Boundaries: A Buzzword or a Tool for Growth

Lately, as I scroll Instagram or swipe through TikTok, one word seems to dominate the conversation: “boundaries”. Everyone has an opinion: who you should have in your life, when it's acceptable to block your family members and friends that disrupt your peace, and, as a last resort, when to give folks the metaphorical boot.

But recently, I’ve noticed a shift. Boundaries are sometimes being used not as a tool to protect our emotional health but as an unhealthy coping mechanism—a way to avoid feeling pain. Rigid boundaries can do more harm than good. When your boundaries isolate you from your community or prevent you from being open to life’s inevitable suffering, they stop serving their purpose. They no longer allow you to be vulnerable, nor do they create space to support others who are vulnerable with you.

That’s why Jess and I talk so much about healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries don’t just prevent people from taking advantage of or manipulating you. They are about respect—respecting yourself and others, and teaching people what will and will not be tolerated within your relationships.

Think about the beginning of any new friendship or relationship. There’s always that phase of learning: what kinds of jokes you can make, how you make decisions together, and other small interactions that shape how you treat each other in the future. It might sound silly, but you’re teaching people how to interact with you—how you want to communicate, how to have disagreements, and how to navigate the ups and downs. As my aunt always told me, “People treat you how you allow them to treat you.” When I thought about writing this blog, I wanted to go beyond my own emotions and provide tangible tools you can use around creating and maintaining boundaries. So often we are taught the buzzword, but not how to practically use it in everyday life. So here are ways you can create healthy boundaries and stand firm in your commitment to building healthy relationships:

You Can Help Make a Plan, But You Don’t Have to Be the Plan

A few years ago, a viral video made the rounds that had me laughing until I cried. A young man, confronted with his brother’s dramatic declaration, had the perfect therapist-approved response:

“I would die for you ma!” the eldest brother declared.

“Me too!”, exclaimed another brother.

“Die? ” said the puzzled younger brother.

For this young man, his brothers’ “ride or die” mentality wasn’t in his vocabulary. He knew that wasn’t healthy, and he wasn’t planning on “dying” for anyone anytime soon—not even his mom. As simplified as it sounds, that’s what a healthy boundary looks like. Our urge to save others is strong. When someone is hurting, our instinct is to rush in, to fix it, to fall on our swords. We want to be the hero—the “Captain Planet” in spandex who swoops in to save the day. But sometimes, our desire to fix is more about making ourselves feel better or needed.
Instead of jumping into action, take a step back and ask yourself:

• Do they need me right now, or do they just need me to listen?

• Am I in the right headspace to be able to support them right now?

• Do I need to drop everything and go to them, or can I help them make a plan to get their immediate needs met and plan a time to check in with them again later?

Healthy boundaries means understanding  your role is to support and not to solve. Ask yourself: ”Is this a problem I need to fix, or is this a person I need to support?”

Create a Schedule for When You Can Offer Support

Comedian Steve Harvey said it best during a 2012 comedy special. In his trademark humor, he described boundaries with family and how he navigates being supportive while protecting his peace:

“Now, every time they get into a little scratch or patch, then they’re calling you… If you [didn’t] know me, then what would you do? Then please get to doing it. Whatever you would do if you didn’t have my number, please get to doing it.”

Harvey hilariously shares a story about taking two and a half weeks to return calls from family. While this might seem extreme, the core message is powerful: you can’t always give to everyone, or you’ll risk depleting yourself entirely. Unhealthy boundaries can show in moments of distress. Our need to fix things can sometimes make the situation worse and add unnecessary emotional stress. Offering support when you are truly capable not only prevents burnout but also empowers others to make their own decisions and find solutions that work for them.

Know Your Limits. State Them Early and Often.

Boundaries, like any skill, take practice. And some lessons may need repeating—if not for them, then for you. If you struggle with boundaries, start by writing down a list of what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Communicate these limits clearly, and stick to them.

When boundaries are understood, respected, and reinforced, relationships have room to blossom. Both of you will feel seen, supported, and safe. It’s also important to push back when boundaries are crossed. Ignoring them can lead to resentment—and that’s when creating impenetrable boundaries or cutting people off starts to sound tempting. But cutting everyone off doesn’t solve the problem; it just masks the pain. It builds walls instead of creating space for meaningful, vulnerable connection.

So next time you’re scrolling through TikTok or Instagram, you might see messages telling you to cut people off at the first sign of discomfort or receive advice to erase them from your life entirely. But if we really stop and think about it, that approach closes us off even more. People who make mistakes lose the chance to learn, and we lose opportunities to grow and broaden our perspectives.

Let me be clear: I’m not suggesting you keep abusive people in your life. Not one bit. But unhealthy boundaries—ones that are too rigid or reactive—are no better than having no boundaries at all. Both leave you feeling isolated, drained, and disconnected. Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, help you navigate relationships with care and intention. They create space for growth, connection, and understanding.

And isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day? To move through this world authentically, to love and be loved, and to show up for the people who matter—without losing sight of ourselves.