Boundaries Can Be Bridges, Not Just Walls

The other day, my daughter overheard a conversation I was having with a friend. My friend was navigating a tricky dynamic in one of her relationships, and later—once we were alone—my daughter asked, “What were you talking about?”

Having an only child—especially this child—means she overhears a lot of adult conversations. I often ask her for privacy or remind her that something is an adult conversation not meant for her ears. But this time felt different. It felt like an opportunity to build on a conversation we’ve been having for years about healthy relationships. Plus, we had a long car ride ahead of us, which meant we had time—plenty of it.

So instead of answering her question directly, I asked one of my own.

“Do you know what boundaries are?”

It’s a question I’ve asked hundreds of young people throughout my career. Whenever I lead a training or workshop on healthy relationships, boundaries are always part of the conversation—and I always start the same way. Most people describe boundaries as “a line someone else can’t cross” or “a wall to keep people out.”

My nine‑year‑old had a different answer.

“A boundary is like how my body belongs to me,” she said, explaining that other people can’t touch her body without her permission.

I smiled. “That’s a great example of a physical boundary.”

From there, we talked about how boundaries aren’t just physical—they’re emotional, too. Sometimes there are things you want to share with your parents that you don’t want to share with your friends. Sometimes there are things you’re not ready to share with anyone. Deciding what to share, when, and with whom is something we’re all still learning—no matter how old we are.

I told her that there are times I say something in the moment and later realize I wasn’t actually ready to share it. It doesn’t feel great, but it does help me understand where my boundary is—and what I want to do differently next time. Boundaries often become clearer in hindsight.Then I asked her another question.

“Did you know that your brain is still growing?”

The part of our brain that helps us think through consequences—the part that helps us pause before we speak or act—is still developing throughout childhood and adolescence. That’s one reason kids (and honestly, adults too) sometimes act before thinking things through.

“We can help that part of our brain get stronger by practicing,” I told her. We can talk through situations together, imagine different outcomes, and then make intentional choices. When a young person can practice with caring adults, they can become clearer about their own boundaries and more able to articulate those boundaries to others. 

So many people—young and old—think of boundaries as barriers. Something rigid. Something that pushes people away.

But boundaries don’t have to be walls.

Healthy boundaries can actually strengthen our relationships. Knowing what our boundaries are—and being able to communicate them while respecting the boundaries of others—builds trust. It creates more space for connection, less resentment, and fewer ‘vulnerability hangovers’. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out.

They’re about creating relationships where everyone feels safer, clearer, and more connected.

Sometimes, they’re not walls at all.

They’re bridges.

Want to learn more about how to engage your child in conversations about boundaries and healthy relationships? Sign up for one of our upcoming workshops today!