Heal for Them, Heal for You
Several years ago, I sat with a mother and father in a private waiting room in a hospital in California. Their 16 year-old daughther was undergoing a forensic medical exam to collect evidence of the rape she had experienced earlier that day. It was, without a doubt, one of the hardest days any of them had experienced. As we talked, I learned that both the mother and the father had experienced sexual violence themselves when they were teenagers. They were impacted by the assault their daughter had just endured, as well as the trauma they had experienced years before.
I felt many emotions sitting with them that day, but an emotion I did not feel was surprise. In my work as a sexual assault counselor and advocate, I met many parents of child and teen survivors. Most, if not all, had experienced sexual trauma themselves. Rarely did I meet a parent who had received support when their trauma occurred; many parents shared that they had tried to tell a trusted adult who didn’t believe them, or that the person who harmed them had made threats that made them feel like they had to keep their assault a secret to protect their loved ones. For some, the shame they felt about their victimization made telling anyone feel impossible.
I recently listened to a conversation between Tarana Burke and Monica Lewinsky on the podcast “Reclaiming.” In it, they both alluded to experiences of molestation or abuse they had as children. They didn’t know how or if they could tell their parents, but they both desperately wanted their parents to recognize that they were suffering. “I just wanted them somehow to hear it in my voice,” Monica said. Tarana agreed and said, “That’s how I felt with my mom… why can’t you hear this? Why can’t you see this?” Monica asked Tarana if she thought her mom had her own experiences she disassociated from, to which Tarana responded, “Oh absolutely…. Trauma is so blinding. I understand now how difficult it is to see.”
Author Alex Elle writes, “If we ignore ourselves, we will not be able to see others.” If we have coped with our past traumas by disassociating, numbing, or trying to ignore our pain, it will be much harder for us to recognize when someone we love is suffering. It is true that “what we resist persists” in our individual lives and those we care about.
Intergenerational trauma refers to the transmission of trauma effects from one generation to the next, impacting emotional, mental, and physical health throughout family lines. Just as trauma can be passed down through generations, so can healing. I know many parents and grandparents who only prioritized their physical health when they saw an impact on their ability to care for their loved ones. As a parent or a caregiver, investing time or resources in anything that doesn’t directly impact your children can be a struggle. If we invest in our healing, it will have a direct impact on our children and the ones we love. And if we choose not to? That will have an effect, as well.
Healing is a non-linear process with no clear path or formula to follow. I remember sitting with those parents (and so many others) and wishing I could give them a brochure that would map out exactly how to engage in a healing process and support their daughter’s healing journey. I wish that map existed. We talked about some healing components: being able to share our stories, feel our feelings, examine the impact of our experience, find meaning, and identify what was getting in the way of healing. But what that looked like in practice would be personal to them. And just as there is no one right way to heal, there’s also no clear ending to a healing journey. Even with ongoing and deep healing work, we can have bad days that can make us question if we are making progress.
On those hard days, when we find the support to face our traumas, the return on our investment cannot be minimized. Investing in our healing will not only allow us to build the skills necessary to face into our past, it makes it possible for us to metabolize the challenges ahead, to build on our internal strength and wisdom (rather than tune it out) and allows us to be more present when others, including our children, are facing their own struggles. If you’re curious about offering a healing-focused training for parents in your community, we’d love to connect—let’s find a time to talk!
