Two Things Parents Can Learn from Adolescence
I know many parents who feel like they “should” watch Netflix’s “Adolescence” but also feel that it would be too emotionally impactful for them. This blog will provide takeaways you can learn from the show, even if you never watch it. Honor your boundaries and read on to learn more.
I was on a walk recently and stopped to chat with a couple of neighborhood moms. Two of us have daughters, the other has sons. We started talking about cell phones and when kids should have access to personal devices. The mother with older daughters said these days it’s just part of life that kids have their own smartphones in middle school, while I said I wouldn’t give my child a smartphone until high school, with no social media until 16. The mom who had sons shared how difficult it is to navigate these choices when the other mom interrupted her and said, “Well, you don’t have to worry- you have sons!”
I needed to take a breath before I responded. I know these sentiments are common, but I still struggle when I hear them. Not talking to boys and men about sexual assault and abuse not only makes them more vulnerable to having those experiences, but it can also make it feel more impossible to tell anyone after they were abused. When we only focus our prevention efforts on girls and young women, it also sends a message that girls and women have to be responsible for protecting themselves against boys and men who will inevitably try to harm them.
Before launching into the lecture I would have loved to give, I paused and asked them, “Have either of you seen the show ‘Adolescence’?”
At their best, TV shows and movies can spark dialogue and help foster a change in attitudes and beliefs. Netflix’s “Adolescence” can do just that. Every school partner and many parents I know have been talking constantly about the show, even if they haven’t seen it. The show is deeply emotional and painful, at times, to watch. But even if we don’t sit down to watch all four episodes, we can learn from each other and our unique reflections and takeaways. Here’s a couple of mine:
If you wouldn’t permit your ten-year-old to drive your car, think twice about giving them unlimited online access.
Jonathan Haidt, author of “The Anxious Generation,” writes, “Parents are overprotecting children in the real world and underprotecting them online.” In the final episode, Adolescence co-creator Stephen Graham, who plays Jamie’s father, talks with his wife about how they thought they were supporting and protecting their son, including getting him the computer and accessories he wanted. They both acknowledged how much time Jamie spent in his room online, but it’s clear neither considered the dangers waiting for him there. It could be easy to believe that they are safe as long as our child is in our home. We save our worries for when they’re out, imagining the bicycle accidents or other injuries that could await them in the “real world.” But the harm young people can experience online is very real, and in the case of the show, leads to an all too real tragedy- the homicide of a teenage girl at the hands of Jamie, a teen who would now likely spend the rest of his life in prison.
It’s universally accepted that children should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car until they are at least 16 years old, and they need to practice with trusted adults, learn the laws of the road, and pass written and driving tests. And even then, we worry about the accidents they are more likely to have, as young inexperienced drivers who may be more nervous and more distracted when they are first able to drive. If we hand our children smartphones and tablets without providing them with as much guidance and structure as we do with driving, they are likely to face terrifying situations that can leave them feeling confused, embarrassed, and in pain. There are sadly many adults waiting online to provide a lot of guidance and instruction to vulnerable children. If you do not have direct conversations with them about relationships, navigating online interactions, how to establish and maintain boundaries, and what to do if they experience or witness cyberbullying or harassment, someone you don’t know and would not trust, will. And while we’d like to believe we have a greater influence on our children than a stranger online, people who use the internet to harm children are incredibly savvy and intentional about the tactics they use to recruit, groom, and indoctrinate young people.
Connection is the greatest protection we have.
Many young people spend a good portion of their lives online and never go on to harm someone else. Where things can become dangerous is when a young person is disconnected from supportive, caring relationships offline and their only meaningful interactions take place online. It makes a young person much more susceptible to the influence of anyone who takes a special interest in them. It’s not always easy to connect with the teens in our lives; developmentally, they are defining who they are outside of the family system and may be distant or resistant to engaging in ways they did when they were younger. Not only do we have to try to meet them where they are and find ways to connect in spaces and places that they enjoy, but we also need to make sure they have other trusting adults they can talk to if there are things they don’t feel comfortable bringing to us. We want to foster opportunities for them to feel connected to themselves, with activities and experiences that bring them joy and confidence and don’t require external validation. If they love to play basketball, shoot around with them. If they watch makeup tutorials, ask them to teach you what they’ve learned. Find ways, even small opportunities, to remind them that you are interested in who they are and who they are becoming.
Stephen Graham’s performance was particularly heart-wrenching for me to watch. He shares how his father used to beat him, and in an effort to break that cycle of abuse in his own family, he distanced himself from his son. Sadly, this is a very common phenomenon- that parents’ unhealed traumas present themselves in their children and grandchildren in unexpected ways. In our next blog, we will talk about how taking responsibility for our own healing is one of the most important acts we can do for ourselves and our families.
